Posts in category: Running with Scissors
My Baby’s in Love with Eddie Vedder

Oh, my baby, my baby she don’t want me no more Ever since she saw his poster in that record store She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy She thinks he’s so darn dysfunctional and “Generation X”y She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare Yeah, he’s her very favorite […]

Germs

Sometimes I really wanna be alone… But that’s one state I’m never in… Because I know that I’ve got millions upon millions Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin (Germs) I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding (Germs) But they just come right back again (Germs) I can’t even see […]

Polka Power!

Yeah, I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really really want So tell us what you want, what you really really want I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really really want So tell us what you want, what you really really want I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I […]

Pretty Fly for a Rabbi

Veren zol fun dir a blintsa (How ya doin’ Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey (How ya doin’ Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey (How ya doin’ Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey And all the goyim say I’m pretty fly for a rabbi Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho Our temple’s had a fair share of […]

Truck Drivin’ Song

I’m drivin’ a truck Drivin’ a big ol’ truck Pedal to the metal, hope I don’t run out of luck Rollin’ down the highway until the break of dawn Drivin’ a truck with my high heels on My diesel rig is northward bound It’s time to put that hammer down Just watchin’ as the miles […]

Jerry Springer

It’s been one week since we got to see Cheatin’ lovers and cousins that marry Five days since they had the show With the hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho Three days since we heard the tale About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male Yesterday it occurred to me That I’ve […]

Grapefruit Diet

Who’s that waddlin’ down the street It’s just me ’cause I love to eat Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham Who’s real flabby? Yes, I am! Every picture of me’s Gotta be an aerial view Now my doctor tells me There’s just one thing left to do Grapefruit Diet (Diet!) Throw out the pizza and […]

Your Horoscope for Today

Aquarius There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day Pisces Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those […]

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